gotta let it do what it do

How often have you heard the story about boy meets girl, boy likes girl, girl likes guy back, guy leaves girl, girl cries and suffers and pines, girl gets over him, guy wants her back?

More than 5-6 years ago, I remember asking an older, way more experienced guy-friend about this. He said, “Look at it this way, a girl gets dumped, what does she do…? She goes to her friends, cries, complains, gets mad…she stays at home on Saturday nights, refuses dates, eats a sh*t-ton of ice cream, watches sad movies, listens to sad love songs, writes about it, cries about it some more, and sooner or later, she’s cried all her tears and she’s out in the world, she has a new hairstyle, she’s back at the gym, and she’s ready to meet someone new…”

I said, “Uh huh, ok…so?”

He said, “And what does a guy do?”

I had no idea.

He went on, “He goes out with his buddies, they drink, they toast to single-dom, they toast to freedom, he meets new girls, he messes around, he enjoys his free time, he takes weekend trips, meets more girls, drinks some more, parties some more…”

I nodded…”ok?” All the while, I was thinking, “Lucky bastard.”

He interrupted my thoughts, “By the time his ex is moving on, he feels that there’s a void, conscious or not he realizes he never properly mourned his lost relationship, he realizes he didn’t give it to the attention it deserved, he realizes he’s made a mistake and he sends her an ambiguous text message…makes an effort to re-connect…”

I said, “Uh huh?”

“And so starts the cycle…he left her, she had no choice but to get over him, he didn’t even try, he didn’t even care, and finally, finally…he recognizes he let a good thing go and he’s scrambling to get it back…”

Eh, it makes a bit of sense. But I’m still not convinced.

[Sidenote: That guy broke his girl’s heart, let the cycle run as it should, he always said “Gotta let it do what it do”…and now they are happily married with three beautiful little girls…]

Gotta let it do what it do.

Then, my girlfriend, as innocent and mildly experienced as I am, came about and filled me in on a diagram her older brother expressed to her. She said, “So it starts like this…”

BOY —–> —–> GIRL [Boy chasing/pursuing girl]

“You reciprocate the feeling and you’re here…”

BOY —–> <—– GIRL [Girl falls]

“Suddenly, you find yourself…”

BOY <—– <—– <—– GIRL [Girl overcompensates…Boy is running the other way]

::LIGHTBULB MOMENT::

“So,” she continued, the goal is to turn it all around to when he was chasing you…”

And so, I reflected on this. I wrote about it. Amazingly, although I’d seen it work in past relationships, it’s always hard to apply it to a current fling, or a recent experience. You’re often left feeling so deflated, insecure, disappointed, and let down that you buy the negative “self talk” and you actually fail to recognize your value (unless of course you’re a floozy, a wh*re, an immature drama queen, or a useless dumb girl…in that case, I’m pretty sure you’re not reading this…!).

There are lyrics galore about a lost love returning and the singer saying they don’t want them anymore…and I always wonder, how does it feel to be wanted again by someone who hurt you? In my experience, I generally “knew better”…the second, sometimes third (or fourth), in one memorable experience, the 10,000th time around. Bottom line, by the end of a cyclical, god-awful relationship, I knew it was bad for me to fall that last time and I held back, but had I given in before?

Certainly.

Peaches and Herb sang it best with “Reunited”…:

Reunited and it feels so good

Reunited ’cause we understood

There’s one perfect fit

And, sugar, this one is it

We both are so excited

‘Cause we’re reunited, hey, hey…

Cher and Peter Cetera told us:

After all the stops and starts

We keep coming back to these two hearts

Two angels who’ve been rescued from the fall

And after all that we’ve been through

It all comes down to me and you

I guess it’s meant to be

Forever you and me

After all

My most favorite song on the topic, Elvis came back and let us know that we were always on his mind:

 

Maybe I didn’t love you quite as good as I should have,

Maybe I didn’t hold you quite as often as I could have,

Little things I should have said and done,

I just never took the time.

 

 

Maybe I didn’t hold you all those lonely, lonely times,

And I guess I never told you, I’m so happy that you’re mine,

If I made you feel second best,

I’m sorry, I was blind.

 

 

Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn’t died,

Give me, give me one more chance to keep you satisfied,

If I made you feel second best,

I’m sorry, I was blind.

 

 

You were always on my mind,

You were always on my mind.

 

Everyone’s favorite, a classic: “I will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor:

At first I was afraid

I was petrified

Kept thinking I could never live

Without you by my side

But then I spent so many nights

Thinking how you did me wrong

And I grew strong

And I learned how to get along

And so you’re back

From outer space

I just walked in to find you here

With that sad look upon your face

I should have changed that stupid lock

I should have made you leave your key

If I’ve have known for just one second

You’d be back to bother me

One I re-discovered yesterday, “Karma” by Alicia Keyes:

Weren’t you the one who said that you don’t want me anymore?

And how you need your space and give the keys back to your door?

And how I cried and tried and tried to make you stay with me

And still you said your love was gone and that I had to leave…

Now you’re Talking bout a family

Now you’re saying I complete your dreams

Oh

Now you’re sayin I’m your everything

You’re confusing me

What you saying to me, don’t play wit me, don’t play wit me!

And the one that feels super-close to my heart:

Phil Collins’ “Separate Lives”:

Well you have no right to ask me how I feel

You have no right to speak to me so kind

Some day I might (I might) find myself looking in your eyes

But for now, we’ll go on living separate lives

Yes for now, we’ll go on living separate lives

Separate lives

Countless times, I’ve stood by Bob Seger who so simply said:

We’ve got tonight, who needs tomorrow?

We’ve got tonight babe

Why don’ you stay?

And I’ve definitely taken the Juice Newton route, referring to myself as the “Angel of the Morning”:

There’ll be no strings to bind your hands

Not if my love can’t bind your heart

And there’s no need to take a stand

For it was I who chose to start

There’s no need to take me home

I’m old enough to face the dawn

Just call me angel of the morning, angel

Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby

Just call me angel of the morning, angel

Then slowly turn away from me

Maybe the sun’s light will be dim

And it won’t matter anyhow

If morning’s echo says we’ve sinned

Well, it was what I wanted, now

And if we’re the victims of the night

I won’t be blinded by the light

After experiencing every one of these feelings, I still stand by what I felt and knew when I was 20. TRUE LOVE NEVER DIES. Regardless of what happens, who walks away, if fate will turn it all around and lead you back to the arms of the one who pushed you away, so be it. It will. There is nothing you can do, say, think, express, feel that will make it happen or NOT happen. TRrrRRrrrrrust me.

Aaliyah said she’s never comin’ back:

I gave you all of my love, all to you

and you don’t appriciate the things that i do (things that i do)

I gave you all of my time cause you blew my mind

I let you do me wrong cause your love had me so blind ( i was blind)

But we may never know what she decided.

Does love really blind us? Nah. It makes us a little cross-eyed. We reflect but we don’t absorb. We ignore the things that make us feel uncomfortable. Then they explode in our faces and we can’t help but take notice.

Lookin’ at my BFF Carrie, who suffered 6 long years with Mr. Big, took a 4 year hiatus from us all (where we assume they were happily living toward a long-term union), then allowed us to watch that grueling year of torturous heartache that he put her through AGAIN, I learned lots of lessons. I was so over Big through that movie. Completely over him. He did it to her AGAIN. When people show you who they are…”believe them”…(remember that?). But he did it to her again. She put up with it, again. And then what? The beautiful wedding at the MET became a wedding at the downtown Courthouse (the way she wanted it to begin with)…and soon enough, we’ll see what’s happened to them. Yet again. Has he become a good guy? Is he finally a stand up guy who’s not gonna leave her? I hope so!! She deserves it. Once and for all…but even she, years ago, when they were talking about reincarnation…expressed:

Mr. Big: What would you come back as?

Carrie: Someone who knows better.

Ahh, did she? Has she? Not as far as I’m concerned. Have I? Am I? Rationally, yes. Life-experience wise, yes. Emotionally, no. Why? B/c love doesn’t change. Feelings don’t die, they just transform. Good or bad. I hope that my dying breaths express the same sentiments as I feel now…TRUE LOVE NEVER DIES. TRUE FAITH NEVER FADES. And so…just like Carrie and Big, we gotta stay tuned. They’re shooting movie #2. I’ll keep you posted on mine.

where do we go from here?

where do we go from here?

depends on where you want to take me.

i look for you sometimes, just over my shoulder…across the room and i know you’re not there. but you will be soon…and part of me can’t wait. another part of me wishes it to be an impossibility…forever.

why?

i love it. i love what we have…b/c it’s what i know. i love the distance. i loved missing you. and it’s comforting to think this is all it can ever be.

the future terrifies me. but does it even matter? what value does it have to you?

i’ll never know.

but when i recall watching you watching me…i think of how much we shared. i think of the laughs…i think of how i’d tilt my head back, catch your eye…share a smile…giggle…hug…wonder. being with you always made me feel like someone else…somebody more like MYSELF…and i’m still in awe of the realism you displayed…how “chill” you were…how moody you claimed you were…how much you wanted to protect me…and how much you often didn’t care.

and where’s it leave us?

same place as always…going the wrong way on a one way highway…which was always a fault of my own.

i guess it’s scary. it’s scary to realize something you only dreamt of is going somewhere…something you cared for is resting in your palm…something you desired was gifted to you.

i guess i felt like it came so easy. and often times, i was in awe of how “meant to be” it felt…and yet how the novelty never seemed to wear off. i’d miss you.

i love how you know me…i love how much history we share…i love how you’re the boy i’d sit in awe of…at the computer lab…a freshman staring at a senior…who was on his way somewhere. and yet, you’ll never believe in yourself…to the point that i’ve started doubting you TOO.

i never thought i’d say it…but everything i wanted you to be was the opposite of what i fell for when you showed me who you are. i wanted this to end well. i wanted this to be something. i can’t believe i’m saying this again. months pass, weeks pass…days pass…and i only get older…never wiser. and i hate to admit it but i don’t miss you. i feel like we share unfinished business…and so i wonder. but i guess i am over you…in a big way. and yet, our story hasn’t even OFFICIALLY begun. it’s scary how life is…how you consumed me for so long…how elated i was…and how insentient i’ve become.