poesy of old

I wished you could die and leave me to live
But mostly hoping you could justify my desire to forgive
Wishing you cared enough to give me one stupid reason
But now I see you are a mere boy who changes with the seasons

As my emotions persist but my feelings subside
I won’t say I love you but I honestly try
Wishing it was real and hoping it was pure
But rotten is rotten and through it, evil ensues

I know I deserve this because I know how much I tried
Fighting a battle where my emotions suffered but my character thrived
I want to believe that you gave it all that you would
But every damn day I wished to forget you but it’s not like I could

Years of divine passion scorched to the root
Absorbing my sensitivity in the core of your heart
Killing my innate desire for anyone else
Stealing my best years, leaving me a mess

Years pass and I still stand before you,
Less and less bare, but still by your window
Vulnerably destroying a tie that God himself could not sever
Constantly wishing you away so I could banish you forever

You coddle me with sentiment, grasping me, tighter and tighter
Enveloping your pride around my fake laughter
Considering a life without me as dull
Selfishly clawing at the mind your thoughts call

You no longer suck the life out of my days
But I look around at all my potential and see it in a haze
You’ve created a role that even you can’t fulfill
You’ve left me to wander alone, all alone still

I see myself here, many years older,
Brighter perhaps but all the more tender
Haunted by a vision a vision of discontent and pain
Through eyes that see you suffer, suffer in vain

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tina

It all still feels like a dream and the hardest part for me, aside from seeing her family say goodbye to her, is the thought of never being able to call her again. Picking up my cell phone, dialing the numbers but not hearing her voice. Never walking into Starbucks some night, after the gym, to see her laughing with my Mom…walking to the bar together and thinking…”tea or coffee? you? what are you having? should we eat something? nah, too many calories”…etc etc etc. Then, there’s the way we’d share stuff with each other. How she’d get a gleam in her eye if I told her something juicy about myself. How she’d never judge me b/c I’m sure she’d been there too. The way we’d laugh when my Mom would tell a joke and how she’d cover her mouth and go “Amaaaa!”…The way we’d wave to each other cheerfully, every time she’d drive past my house. The way I’d catch a glimpse of her in my rearview mirror and vice versa and see her bright smile and her enthusiastic wave. The way she’d call me and say “Hiiiiii, ****-n eh”…in her captivating voice. How she’d recite poetry in Armenian. The way she’d say “Lav es?” and move her chin up, and wink, to show me she really wanted to know…especially when she felt I was up to something. That’ll never ever happen again.

As for immortality…I believe that my soul and hers will some day be reunited and we’ll go to Starbucks in heaven and we’ll still laugh and sing. Except, when we go…they’ll never close and we’ll never have to worry about finding a seat…we’ll never have to say goodbye b/c it’ll NEVER end.

I’m not afraid of death. I’m not afraid of ending this life and starting the other. I only feel deeply for the people we leave behind…grieving is for the living. And right now, my grief is mine. She is in heaven. She’s where she’s always wanted to go. Sure she’s missing out on some of the earthly pleasures that she probably looked forward to all her life…but the happiness and joy she’s experiencing is far beyond any joy or peace that I can ever comprehend.

Until I see her again…I’ll miss her.

narrative

“Your brain intrigues me,” he said…

 

“It intrigues me too,” she replied, instinctively. All the while, she thought, “A two hour cop out. Two hours of convo and it was all one big cop out…”

 

Sometimes the resolutions you desire cannot be achieved in harmony with another. Most of the time, it’s something you have to attempt—solo. It’s like, you can start a duet…but if there’s only one pair of hands striking the notes on that piano, the harmony will fall flat upon the listener’s ears…

As we know, chit chat never lasts forever…and thus, he couldn’t bite his lip any longer, “So, let’s talk about the inevitable…”

“Or let’s not,” she blurted out.

Not a moment was lost and he changed the subject. More small talk and he struck a chord. She made note of the ‘awkwardness’ and he reacted humorously… and there it was, another common topic…how naturally the topics flowed. A little bit of history, a little bit of inside significance, a little bit of ‘only you would know what I’m talking about’ and the moments passed.

Finally he said, “I better let you get to bed.”

“I am in bed,” she responded. Within a second, she added, “If you want to go, go…but you don’t have to let me go anywhere.”

“Damn, take it easy,” he said and without skipping a beat, he followed, “I missed talking to you.”

And there it was, she could say, “Me too,” she could say, “I don’t believe you,” (simply for reassurance purposes, of course) but the simplest, rhetorical answer lay in, “Oh ya?” And as rhetorical questions go, no response was required.

She immediately switched into self-analysis mode and apologized for not being herself tonight. He quickly responded, “I haven’t noticed a difference. I never find sides to you. You are always ‘you’ to me. Whether you are angry, upset, happy, or sad…you’re still ‘you’.”

Leaving no room to feel defensive, she added, “My goal in life is to be multi-faceted.”

He turned to her to say, “You will accomplish many goals in your life…I know that.”

He sensed she was being ‘cautious’ and he assured her that there was no reason to be as there were no eggshells to worry about. “If you have something to say, say it. I have no problems,” he said.

Inside, she disagreed. Outside, she wanted to understand…”How can you miss someone when you’re the one who walks away?”

“Missing someone has nothing to do with the circumstance,” he replied.

“Of course it does when you’re the one who’s in control,” she retorted.

“A human being can still feel this emotion, regardless of who is in control,” he argued.

“I disagree,” she said.

He thought for a second and said, “Yes, intentional conduct has created this separation.”

“Intentional conduct, precisely,” she replied.

“That intentional conduct has consequences,” he admitted.

“Obviously it doesn’t for you,” she thought to herself.

“Of those, among others, one is the sense of ‘missing’,” he went on.

It fell on deaf ears as she argued, “You left on your own conditions, yet even tonight, it was I who made the effort to speak to you.”

“Ohhh…you don’t know how many times I have written to you…you will NEVER know!”

“Had you done so, you would have received a heartfelt response—no risks involved. After all, when have I ever, ever treated you the way you DESERVE to be treated? Tell me.”

It wasn’t that she disputed that he’d missed her. No, she didn’t. Of course he’d missed her. She understood that he had to detach for a while. She respected that. What was it? Did she wish she’d had a warning? He knew how she was—her weaknesses, her vulnerabilities. He knew how this would make her feel.

“You had no regard for my emotions,” she said after a long silence.

And immediately, he replied, “You had no regard for mine.”

“Did I anger you? Did I hurt you? Did I disappoint you?” she asked.

“It depends on what point in time you’re talking about,” he answered.

“You disrespected me,” he added, “I felt battered by the end. I always respect your insights and your intelligence—and I’m so very thankful every time you assist me thru your wonderful talents. But a few of your chords just didn’t go with my song.”

“Aaah, you just made me laugh,” she said, feeling that her reaction was a bit out of place.

“Nice to know we still got it…” he responded, “Nice to know we still got it.”

“That’s the problem,” she said, “We’re never gonna lose it!”

He sighed.

She continued, “And this is the precise inspiration for all the horrible things I told you. How could I ever live with myself if I let this type of relationship go, without putting up a fight?”

He stopped to think for a moment or two. “The part you said about how love is supposed to be effortless…and light hearted…I loved that part.”

“Love,” she began, “it’s an intangible connection. Effortless relations. It’s silly. It’s…” she paused, “unconditional. ‘Come as you are…’”

“Come as you are,” he said, reflecting on the simplicity of the phrase, “They should replace the word ‘love’ with that exact term.” “It’s just so meaningful,” he went on, “especially since it’s coming from one of the few people whom I admire…immensely.”

A couple moments of silence passed and he said, “You are the most complex, yet so incredibly simple person I have ever met.” She didn’t want to respond. “You always know how to put the meaning to the song which provides the metaphor to our life together,” he added.

“I didn’t have faith that we would speak again,” she blurted out…out of the blue.

“I felt disrespected,” he repeated.

“And I was hurt,” she replied.

“What’s worse?” she went on to ask.

“There is no worse.”

“There is, of course there is…it’s a different quality of emotion. Disrespect is mental, hurt is emotional…”

“Hurt goes to the state of your being,” he replied, “Hurt is worse.”

“Emotions always trump thoughts,” she stated matter of factly.

“I agree with you,” he said.

She thanked him.

“You coulda fought it,” she blurted out, “You ran away…and that’s why we’re here right now. In fact, I wish you’d told me, ‘Sorry you feel that way, but I love her and this is how it’s going to be…’ Did you think I wouldn’t respect that?”

“I couldn’t say that!” he replied.

“Why not?” she begged.

“For reasons expressed…”

“By, me?” she asked.

“Yes, for reasons expressed…by you.”

“Forgive me,” he added, “I don’t have the notes to your masterpiece tonight.”

“We’ll go acapella tonight,” she said.

“Improv…” he corrected her.

“Ahhh, that’s the word I was looking for,” she admitted.

“We reversed roles, only for a moment,” he replied.

“Don’t underestimate yourself,” she said.

“I don’t,” he responded, “I’m just more in touch with reality.”

An uncomfortable silence prevailed, “Well, don’t think I didn’t miss your presence in my life,” she felt led to say.

“Did you truly feel my absence?” he asked, obviously seeking further reassurance.

“Hmm…you fulfill a role in my life that only you can fill,” she said, ambiguously, mockingly, predictably.

“That’s a beautiful thing to say…yet it’s slightly demented.”

“All I want is a resolution,” she said…”I didn’t wait all this time to feel out our relationship…neither did you…it is what it is—-eternal, perpetual, unchanging.”

“No answer I give you tonight will lead you to a satisfactory state of understanding,” he said, “in fact, you’re opening a duet with just one pair of hands,” he continued.

“I know I can’t force you to speak to me right now…but either way, it’s worth the ‘lost sleep’…at least to me it is,” she replied.

“Ahhh, your brain intrigues me…it simply intrigues me…”

“It intrigues me too…” she said, “it intrigues me too…”