Dear Hideous…

Dear Hideous,

I didn’t think you were ugly.  I really didn’t.  They all tried to convince me that you are.  But you looked happy, decent, put together.  Then I got the photo.  A photo of you two…a reflection.  And it was you…sour looking face, old-lady teeth.  There it was.  Objectively.  You are ugly.  I don’t want you to be ugly.  I’m sure you’re nice.  But you are non-cute.  Sad.  Despite that, I couldn’t help but wonder what is going through his mind.  Why you?  Why did he pick you?

It’ll be a few months before he confides in someone (it won’t be me!)…about how he thought you were ugly, but didn’t care ‘cuz you’re “funny as hell” and a total sweetheart (maybe you are!! The girls after me were self-proclaimed “bitches”)…what was I, you ask? 90% sweetheart.  Easily.  10% passive aggressive trying to always [cheerfully] keep it together ‘cuz he’s sensitive as HELL.  Anyway, he didn’t appreciate that, remember? I did TOO MUCH.  Mother effer.  He’s a lost cause.  Regardless, this isn’t about me…it’s about you.

So, let’s get down to it.  You met.  You liked him ‘cuz he was in the spotlight.  You secretly willed the pursuit and he reciprocated.  You liked it.  A couple of encounters (he’s the master of long distance relationships)…and you’re happy as HECK!  He texts you constantly.  That’s what you do.  You guys are in constant communication.  He gives you butterflies.  He puts a little bounce in your step.  Gives you something to smile about.  You exchange daily stories.  You send each other pics (all.day.long). I know how all this goes (remember, I WAS THERE, TOO!).  He basically takes over your life in a pleasant way that makes you feel super-connected, content, happy, in touch, giggly, excited, loved.

He’s attentive.  But only in an inversely reciprocal way.   It’s cuz HE wants attention.  To the point of it being bad.  I mean, HELLO! Have you seen his Facebook? Attention wh*re!! Anyway, back to what he sees in you…

What do you have? I mean, what do you have that he wants? What does he want to zap out of you that can compensate for something he, himself, feels insecure about?

It’s always something.  With one it was money and beauty.  With another it was intelligence, a solid family, loving, interested parents.  Another? A secret perspective into the “other side”…ambition, class, femininity.  Me? Aside from obsessing over my public, professional biography…it was my “Popularity”.  Apparent popularity, recognition, status.  Or so he claimed! I mean, he said it.  Not I.  ‘Cuz obviously, I was willing to throw it all to the wayside to devote myself to him completely.  That’s just who I am.  Ride or die.  Bonnie and Clyde.  As in, flashback to 2003… the Beyonce to his Jay Z.  As in, his thoroughest girl…his soldier…keepin’ him focused.  (That was obviously OUR song!) Doin’ his homework for that second degree he decided to get.  I can go on…ok, then came…the bitchy, slutty girl from 1999 who’d broken his heart but wanted to give him a second chance.  That was odd, short lived.  And then there was my replacement.   She was like a dude.  Almost masculine.  Spoke ghetto.  Despite being raised in the lap of luxury.  She had the career he wished he had.  She had money.  The ever present Dad to guide her and steer her toward success.  Financial and professional success.  He was jealous of her.  He wanted to be her.  He claimed she flaunted her success in his face.   Doubtful.  But despite that…he still wanted her.  He wanted to be her.  For her Dad to be his replacement Dad.  Sad.  I still don’t get why she ended it.  But she did.   That put him out of the game. For a while.  Maybe? I dunno.  I don’t keep up with his day to day.

Then came YOU.  Where was I going with this? Oh.  Ok…so I wanted to give you the run down, a so-called orientation.  Right now, it’s exhilarating.  Beautiful.  Happy.  But sooner or later, you’ll see that he lacks the capacity to empathize.  It’s all about him.  Right now you feel like you’re in “love” or the early stages of it.  He’s laying it on thick.  The reason why you two are so connected is because he wants to make sure that you don’t have an interest in life…not a single one, other than him.  He commands all of your attention.   He’s inflating you.  So you can confirm, for him, what he so deeply desires to think…that he’s “special”.  You are the perfect mirror. You stroke his ego.  You give perfect responses.   Careful to never injure or insult him.  He’ll isolate himself if you do (watch out!).

Once he’s charmed you, he’ll devalue you.   Remember how he told you he wants a 50’s housewife initially?  So you laid off your career a bit…started setting your accomplishments off to the side.   Suddenly he’ll say he wants someone ambitious, successful, a regular bread-winning, working woman.   This will frustrate you.  Don’t worry, it frustrates him, too.

It’s not about you.  It’s him.  He’s been criticized (by his mom, his boss, whomever).  He’s not performing to his expectations (or yours) and he’s trying to ignore the gloom of inability that is plaguing his heart and mind.  So he’ll fall into heavy drinking, smoking, driving fast.  Harmful behaviors.  You’ll feel helpless.  But you’ll continue to work harder to make him happier.  He’ll tell you he’s no good for you.  You’ll jump to his defense.  You’ll continue to lose yourself more and more in the relationship.  You’ll lose sight of your best characteristics and take on some of his worst.  It sucks.  It’s ugly. I know.

There will be an “end”.  But you’ll kinda miss his presence (the loss of excitement, an addiction to adrenaline…basically, highs and lows that he brought to your life).   You won’t get closure.  You won’t get any answers.  You won’t be able to put a lid on it.  He’s not going to worry about you.  Remember? He can’t empathize.  Even your pain will be about him.  How it annoys him. He hasn’t done a thing wrong (or so he thinks).  But don’t beat yourself up about it! In order to stay with him through this, you’ve either got to be a complete Saint, a Therapist, or a shallow dipsh*t…like the rest of his friends.  And you’re not.  I know.

You used to be on a pedestal.  Now you’re an object of disdain.  I’m sorry.  It sucks.  But that’s him.  He is the master of the short-term, intense relationship…and that’s just what you’ll have.  Welcome to the club, girly!

Sincerely,

Been there, done that

 

©2012, Leegal Deeva.  All rights reserved.

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