One of the guys

Peggy Olson:  I know what men think of you: That you’re looking for a husband, and you’re fun. And not in that order.
Joan Holloway: Peggy, this isn’t China. There’s no money in virginity.

I’ll never be one of the guys.


Do I even want to be?

I dunno.

It’s odd though.  I hear it from my guy friends all the time.  When they think a girl, possibly a friend, or the girlfriend of one of their buddies, is super cool…they say “she’s one of the guys.”

I guess that’s not even remotely close to what I’d want to “be” to any one of them. Or is it? After all, girls who are “one of the guys” never seem to have a problem attracting guys.  But still.  Here I am, past three decades of life, and I’ve realized…I’ll never be “one of the guys.”

It might be because I don’t have brothers and don’t know how to have a completely, 100% platonic friendship with a guy.  Ok, that’s huge.  And maybe something that’s a better topic to share with a close friend or a therapist.  But I dunno.  It’s weird when every guy you ever meet is a potential boyfriend, husband, lover.  I’ve never really known any that couldn’t be.  Besides male relatives of course.  But, I haven’t hung out with them enough to perfect the art.

Though I look at Joan Holloway…Joanie to Richard [Sterling]…you know, from Mad Men?  Now, if I were into girls…she’d be my #1 crush.  She’s sexy hot, curvy, feminine, but she dishes it out…just like the men.  She’s the only girl in the boardroom.  Seriously…even Peggy only goes in when she’s making a pitch to a client.  She’s not afraid of speaking her mind.  She knows how to put people in their place…matter of factly.  Perhaps I watch a lot of Mad Men…it’s true. I’m obsessed with their 1960s’ complexities.  How women are only secretaries.  Yet even in this world, I call places and people assume I’m the secretary.  Still!

But if I could be a Joan…I’d be thrilled.  That’s not to say she’s got it all figured out. She obviously married the wrong guy.  Well, he was the first good one to ask.  She makes mistakes, falls back in to old habits, but never truly exposes her vulnerabilities.  Is that what makes her the type of guyish girl I’d want to be? Because I relate?

But Joan…she relates to Marilyn Monroe.   I mean, remember when she was laying on Roger’s couch, dabbing her eyes?  Roger had to assure her that she wouldn’t end up alone and in despair…like Marilyn had.  Yes.  Like Marilyn had.  Marilyn…one of the sexiest, most feminine, admired women of our pop culture history.  She’d ended up alone, and in despair.

Yet what did Joan want most out of life? To be a well-off housewife.  The ultimate goal of her existence.  And she was pained to think she could possibly be bored, lonely, and miserable as one. Is that the sad fate of a femme fatale? Someone sassy and bold…who never stops being a woman?  Does she end up bored, lonely…in misery?

But I’m not even close to being as strong as Joan.  Unlike her, I have a way of looking at guys, with these puppy dog eyes, a way that makes them feel like they’re more to me than they really are.  It’s not intentional.  But it’s real. A guy once told me, “Don’t look at me with those eyes…” and I thought “What eyes?” No really.  He was accusing me of flirting with my eyes.  I wasn’t.  Honestly.  I didn’t have feelings for him.  Though, I have to admit, the first time we met, I thought maybe I could.  How telling….

Let’s break it down…I read chick lit.  I smell like vanilla.  I don’t wear baseball caps.  I don’t give “thumbs ups”.  I’m scared of the dumbest things. I have a way of whining, that only girls can perfect.  I am sensitive.  Emotional.  I cry…not enough, but I do.  I like having colorful fingernails, long hair, carrying clutches and wearing cute earrings.  I don’t watch sports.  And I don’t really care about them (unless a boy I like does).

I’m educated, independent, and successful.  Yet, I’m not a feminist.

But let’s explore some more.  I’m dramatic.  “Boys” aren’t.  I try too hard.  “Guys” don’t.  I’m not elusive.  And if, for some reason, I’m hard to pin down…it’s probably cuz I’m holding out.  I don’t drink like a fish. No, seriously.  One or two drinks and I’m good.  Better than good.  I seem high maintenance…(I’m totally not…but I’m perceived that way….).  Apparently, guys don’t like that.   I seem like I’d get grossed out easily…but I don’t. I swear.

So what is it that makes a girl “one of the guys” and that makes me the girl who can’t be there “without being there”…? I stand out…as a girl? I speak up…like a girl? It also doesn’t help that have the voice of a little girl.

But it’s important to note that I lose all my wit and intelligence around boys [I like].  I get flustered.  Really.  I forget how astute, calculated, and bright I can be.  Bottom line, I stop acting like myself.  And that makes me a girl.  A girly girl.  A girl’s girl.

My bestie once told a guy I was dating that he was a girl’s man.  Ya know…the opposite of a man’s man.  Sure he smoked cigars, drank stiff cocktails, and wore suits every day.  But he opened doors, ordered for me at restaurants, served me off communal plates, walked on the traffic side of the street, didn’t care a lick about athletics, and enjoyed drama.  Maybe that’s why I liked him.  The way manly men like girls who are “one of the guys.”

And that’s ok.  Like Katy Perry said…”I wanna be one of the girls…pretty in pearls, and not one of the boys.”


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©2012, Leegal Deeva.  All rights reserved.

marry rich!

marry rich!!! that’s the one facet of mate-finding that I’ve noticed people DON’T settle on. strange no? it must mean something. education, they settle. background (meaning family status), they settle. height, they settle. weight, they settle (in terms of the guy only however). geographic location, they settle. age, they often settle. but $$$…no one settles. they DO pick guys who lack potential and initiative and intelligence…but only if their family is well off and can provide a comfortable lifestyle.

so i can see how and why this whole idea of a the woman being the bread-winner can be a touchy issue. it can be emasculating. [in response to: ]

i appreciate education…the idea of a graduate education. sometimes it’s not necessary. some of the best businessmen in the world have gone on to be highly creative/successful WITHOUT education. but they have experience. they’ve gone beyond their comfort zones to make something of themselves. for people in our social network, a graduate education has caused them to go out of their comfort zones. to sacrifice parties, trips, etc. to get good grades, study hard…graduate. it’s all relative.

but at this point, i still value a man’s resume qualities b/c i think they are representative of “below the surface” qualities that we can’t quite quantify or articulate. i’m a lawyer…big f*cking wow. i doubt i have a typical lawyer personality and i probably lack much of the discipline people assume i have/had for becoming an atty 6 years out of high school. yet…i admit i’m determined, i enjoy deep/analytical thought and conversations…i enjoy the company of intelligent people.

so…i guess at the end of the day…i wanna be with a guy who is smart AND successful. i prefer independent success as opposed to inherited $ucce$$. but all i ask is for a guy with potential. at the same time, he must be someone who can discuss worldly topics with understanding and reason.

am i the last girl on earth who still values personality and intelligence more so than the house and a guy’s parents’ income??? i guess what i’m saying is, at this point, i still wouldn’t pick a guy who can simply provide financial security but fails to provide intellectual stimulation. oh yeah, he has to be FUN too. i’m not saying obnoxious “haha” annoying sense of humor fun…i mean silly fun. someone to appreciate the dumb things that make me giggle from time to time. he can’t be COLD.

bottom line, financial security is important. it’s something i’ve grown up without more so than with. but, the emotional connection and “below the surface” stuff as opposed to superficial aspects of the house, car, credit cards qualities that i’ve experienced and endured, in light of the lack of financial security, strike me as being far more valuable.

sooo…i wanna be with someone like me. he doesn’t have to come from money. he doesn’t have to be drowning in it now (or ever). but i want to see that he’s done some of the things i have…like made it through school and still wants to have the white picket fence…a couple of babies…a cool car…a vacation here and there. be involved in the armenian community. support the church and the schools. blah blah blah…

he has to know about stuff going on in the world. discuss them with me from time to time…(intelligently, NOT ignorantly)…care about me, my family…enjoy the company of my friends (i am more than willing to offer him the same comfort and respect)…go nice places…go dumb places…cuddle up on the couch and watch a tv show with me from time to time. and if i make more money than he does at certain points in our lives…it’s all good. i’ll look past it. and i hope he won’t notice.

but seeing as all this is sooooo HARD to come by…i still say…marry rich. it seems that comfort is worth it. i hope not to compromise my ideals in terms of a good man who makes me happy/content/satisfied…but if at some point i realize that type of man is not knockin’ on my door…i’ll take the guy who can provide the mercedes and the louis vuitton…at least i’ll be well accessorized when i’m out with my girls (who i’ll be left no choice but to seek out for the convos and chats).