where do we go from here?

where do we go from here?

depends on where you want to take me.

i look for you sometimes, just over my shoulder…across the room and i know you’re not there. but you will be soon…and part of me can’t wait. another part of me wishes it to be an impossibility…forever.

why?

i love it. i love what we have…b/c it’s what i know. i love the distance. i loved missing you. and it’s comforting to think this is all it can ever be.

the future terrifies me. but does it even matter? what value does it have to you?

i’ll never know.

but when i recall watching you watching me…i think of how much we shared. i think of the laughs…i think of how i’d tilt my head back, catch your eye…share a smile…giggle…hug…wonder. being with you always made me feel like someone else…somebody more like MYSELF…and i’m still in awe of the realism you displayed…how “chill” you were…how moody you claimed you were…how much you wanted to protect me…and how much you often didn’t care.

and where’s it leave us?

same place as always…going the wrong way on a one way highway…which was always a fault of my own.

i guess it’s scary. it’s scary to realize something you only dreamt of is going somewhere…something you cared for is resting in your palm…something you desired was gifted to you.

i guess i felt like it came so easy. and often times, i was in awe of how “meant to be” it felt…and yet how the novelty never seemed to wear off. i’d miss you.

i love how you know me…i love how much history we share…i love how you’re the boy i’d sit in awe of…at the computer lab…a freshman staring at a senior…who was on his way somewhere. and yet, you’ll never believe in yourself…to the point that i’ve started doubting you TOO.

i never thought i’d say it…but everything i wanted you to be was the opposite of what i fell for when you showed me who you are. i wanted this to end well. i wanted this to be something. i can’t believe i’m saying this again. months pass, weeks pass…days pass…and i only get older…never wiser. and i hate to admit it but i don’t miss you. i feel like we share unfinished business…and so i wonder. but i guess i am over you…in a big way. and yet, our story hasn’t even OFFICIALLY begun. it’s scary how life is…how you consumed me for so long…how elated i was…and how insentient i’ve become.