damaged goods

who isn’t? i’m damaged. certainly. nicks, bruises, bumps, dents…

i secretly love going to IKEA and visiting the ‘as is’ department.  what a joy.  i love examining things and seeing what a savings one can enjoy, just b/c a dresser is missing a handle, or a table is nicked, or a lamp isn’t stable on its base.  funny.  i kinda like it.
my mom on the other hand, has to buy an item, from the back, in a box, a box that’s not dented, damaged, bumped…anything.
but i like to take things “as is”…
after all, life comes to us “as is”
we don’t get to pick our families.  we don’t get to pick the people we work with.  we don’t get to choose our circumstances OR lifestyle for at least the first 14-18 years of our lives.  we don’t get to choose our looks.  we don’t get to choose our eye color (unless you believe in colored contacts, which i don’t).  we don’t get to choose our teachers…not til we get to college at least.  we don’t get to choose our IQ.  we don’t get to choose our talents…and most of our abilities are innate.  our personalities are tailored in the womb.  and yet, we have such high demands of others…
people say: “oh so and so has so much baggage”
people break-up: “she had too much baggage”
ok…how is it possible, to live out your life to an age past 25 years old and NOT have baggage?  everyone carries around some random, lame, dumb, scary, life-changing, traumatic, defining experience from when they were 1, or 5, or 12, or 16, or 21…right?
some of us carry around a random, lame, dumb, scary, life-changing, life-stretching, traumatic, defining, “how will i ever recover from something so huge” experience from when we were 1, 5, 12, 16, AND 21.  does that mean we have too much baggage?  no, it really just  means we LIVED.
ok, some things are tough to accept…kids, former spouses, rehab recoveries, crazy families…BUT THEN AGAIN, they are so common, how can we avoid ’em??? you can’t.
you have to take everyone “as is.”  it’s like buying a watermelon, is there a guarantee that it will be sweet? juicy? taste good at all? NEVERRR…
it’s a gamble.  so are people.  but in life, in relationships…you come “as is”.  you can fake it, for a while. never forever.  but you always come “as is.”
so when someone i love tells me they’re damaged, all i can think is “i know, and that’s why you’re beautiful…to me.”  like flaws, vulnerabilities…maybe if i was hand-picking, i’d opt out.  but this isn’t a brand new car…and let’s admit, it’s not till we get that first scratch on a new car, that we can actually relaxxx…and enjoy it.
to me, the true definition of “love” is “come as you are…”
so–
next time you start doubting yourself…remember that i love you.  i love your quirks.  i love your circumstances.  i love your past.  i love your experiences.  i love your flaws. by love, i don’ t mean i enjoy it or i take pleasure in it. i mean, i love them b/c they are a part of you.  i accept them.  i embrace them.  i cherish them.  they are all the true contributors to you being the complicated, sensitive person…you are.  and i love you.
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love my life.

Yeaaaah.

Riiiiiiiight.
I’ve always referred to him as “the love of my life”..easily, casually, commonly, comfortably. He had no name, but “the love of my life.” People would stop and say, “Gosh, I don’t even know who the love of *my* life is…” And in my elitist way, I’d feel a sense of self-assuredness knowing I’d identified *mine* and I could rest easy for no one else would compare. Good or bad.
BUT the honest truth is I’ve hated him everyday for the past nine years. Even our moments of elation were consistently woven with HATE. How is it possible to love someone you hate? (Even just a little.)
WELL–We’ve all heard of of “love-hate” relationships. It can be a relationship with a sibling, a parent, a boss, a romantic partner…”love-hate” relationships span every possible relation. A “love-hate” relationship occurs when people have completely lost the intimacy within a relationship, yet retain some sort of passion or commitment toward one another.
Passion, yes.
Commitment, never.
Intimacy…?
It was an evolution toward an obligatory friendship…where grudges from the past never quite disappeared. Yet in some unique way, it added depth to my character, it added dimension to my life, it expanded my capacity to feel…it stretched my soul, dug deep into my mind, and gave my heart the ability to LOVE another…
BUT, I’ve seen what “love” is now…at least what it is supposed to be. Love is pure. Love is so pure that nothing can taint it. It’s a care that goes beyond reason…beyond human understanding. It’s that level of unconditional affection/expression/emotion that you can *only* *only* *only* give someone whom you are completely selfless with.

Selfless.
Who loves us selflessly? Parents. Pure selflessness…putting their own desires, benefit, preferences AFTER ours. At least they are supposed to. Interesting, eh?
I’m grateful. I can see what love can do to a person now. Love makes you feel what the other person feels. It makes you cry over what pains the other person. It makes you angry when they are hurt. It takes your own desires, your own preferences, your own comfort…and it places them on the back-burner. And love, makes you do this, without a second thought. Love makes you forget what it is you wanted and makes you aware of another person’s happiness and feelings as acutely as completely as you are of your own.
How jaded…
How crazy…
How lame…
…could I have possibly been to have thought that *he* was the love of my life. Far from! More like the burden on my soul. The black cloud of gloom over my life. The pain in my heart that kept me from ever being free and happy with anyone else. Which is why, once I cut him out and cut him off…my life became an open field, open to limitless love and joy and possibilities that he would obviously prefer to suffocate.
And new love, flooded in…
Ahh…the freedom to “live” without being smothered by someone’s selfish desires, demands, and control.
This new love, lasting or not, final or temporary, absolute or partial…no one knows, for this life gives us NO guarantees. Weddings are called off, engagement rings are returned, spouses cheat, spouses DIE…but whatever this love is, it has taught me how beautiful and pure it can be. The truest and most valuable lesson I could have possibly learned…
It’s nothing. But it’s love…
And now, when I am immersed in it, I feel like someone different. Somebody more like *myself*….

low.

Somehow, it feels like it’s the absolute worst betrayal when it comes from someone you thought was a friend.

But the truth is…you’ve done all the hurting.  You’ve done all the reprimanding. You’ve done all the disappointing.  You dirty, dirty, scum bag.  Insensitivity is your middle name.  Had you not been so insensitive, would you cheat on your girlfriend as readily and as comfortably as you do?  Would you?  Anger runs so thick through my veins.  So much so that my entire essence is stripped of the desire to show you any kindness, care, or concern.
It’s done.  “Enough is enough….”
You think, as always, that somehow, we can salvage this.  That we’ll be “here” again.  With Ol’ Faithful.  Right?  You always do.  And it happens that way, doesn’t it?  Waves crash, tides run high, paths run different courses and some way, somehow…the round and round game we play leads our paths to cross yet again.
This time, it’s different.  This time, the disgust is real.  This time, it’s not pain.  This time, it’s utter betrayal, the kind that seeps deep into my being.  No questions asked.  As always, no answers provided.  But this, my friend, is the last time you’ll be breaking my heart….
The very last.
I’ve watched you…FOR YEARS…through eyes of love, through eyes of admiration, through eyes of respect…only to find that you are a despicable, no-good, ungrateful, pathetic little twerp.  With friends who *fail* to satisfy.  With a girlfriend who obviously falls short of what you innately desire.  With a career, as off-path and underwhelming as your wretched little heart.  You are sad.  Because as much as these words drip from my lips…as much as I wish I could lay them on you…thick and heavy…coat you with them…paint you with them…implant you with them…
I’ve lost the desire.
How cold-hearted have I been? How out of character?  How careless?  How short in terms of chatter?  How insentient in terms of concern?  How stoic in terms of expression?
…how veryyy OUT of character.  Huh?
Get used to it.  Your days of favor are over.
Your insensitivity sparks crudeness, vindictiveness, and HATE in my heart.  But alas, revenge is not mine.  Never can be.  You will learn your lesson in such a way, such a method, with such intensity and creativity…that even I will shudder to witness it. This, I know.
Someday, your days of desperation will peak.  Someday, someone will build you up to an explosion, then drop you like the piece of trash that you are.  And it won’t be undeserved as I can’t help but ask: What kind of twisted, heartless, selfish human being are you?  Acting like a saint…who do you try to fool?  Your politeness…it’s a sham.  You came to me, complained that you were lazy and being unproductive.  You played on my sympathies, telling me you were lonely…telling me you were depressed.  Why? So you could abuse my potential?
NO MORE.

hatin’ on you

Hatin’ on you comes so easy. It’s as if you want me not to care. You tell me I should be a bitch to you like I’m a bitch to everyone else. Do you do this intentionally? You coward. You piece of crap. Bullying me…when no one else would even dare. You want me not to care. You want me to brush you off like the lint that you are. Lint.

Is it a defense mechanism? for you to tell me how I’m different. strange. weird. eccentric. huh? I am? How bout…”you’re special.” “one of a kind” “priceless”. I know I am. You know I am. But the only way you can put it into words is by putting me down?

Why don’t you share your struggles with someone else, huh? Cuz they don’t care? Or all they can offer is an “aww” and a frown? Is that what you want from me? It seems you do. I’ll try. It just doesn’t come easy to me to be so ruthless with you. It’s not like I’ve ever succeeded. But I can try. I know it’s what you deserve. And in life, we should all get what we deserve.

So, if I stripped you of my sweet sentiment and indescribable quality of affection and attention…would you be happier? Let’s face it. You cry when I tell you I’m walking away. But it’s best for me. Don’t you see that? Of course you do. But you always want what is best for you.

So why am I talking in circles? Telling myself things that I should have learned years ago. Why am I struggling with this? You’re a PRICK. You are the prick. Telling me the other guys who walk in and out of my life are pricks. When all the while you are El Pricko Grande. Hah! You wrote the book on Prickism. You are the creator of Prickery.

Hey Prickster! It’s still hard for me to say it but I really think you need to go and live your life with the bogus boys and bimbos of the world. The bogus boys you claim are your friends and the useless bimbos you fill up your time with. They are not quality. Do you see that?

I KNOW I’m the most valuable person in your life. You probably do too. But since your actions don’t display that, your knowledge is ineffective, uninfluential, and USELESS.

So, put that knowledge into action and prove to me that I am what I know I am to you. Otherwise, you’re going to lose me. And you’re gonna lose me fast.

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poesy of old

I wished you could die and leave me to live
But mostly hoping you could justify my desire to forgive
Wishing you cared enough to give me one stupid reason
But now I see you are a mere boy who changes with the seasons

As my emotions persist but my feelings subside
I won’t say I love you but I honestly try
Wishing it was real and hoping it was pure
But rotten is rotten and through it, evil ensues

I know I deserve this because I know how much I tried
Fighting a battle where my emotions suffered but my character thrived
I want to believe that you gave it all that you would
But every damn day I wished to forget you but it’s not like I could

Years of divine passion scorched to the root
Absorbing my sensitivity in the core of your heart
Killing my innate desire for anyone else
Stealing my best years, leaving me a mess

Years pass and I still stand before you,
Less and less bare, but still by your window
Vulnerably destroying a tie that God himself could not sever
Constantly wishing you away so I could banish you forever

You coddle me with sentiment, grasping me, tighter and tighter
Enveloping your pride around my fake laughter
Considering a life without me as dull
Selfishly clawing at the mind your thoughts call

You no longer suck the life out of my days
But I look around at all my potential and see it in a haze
You’ve created a role that even you can’t fulfill
You’ve left me to wander alone, all alone still

I see myself here, many years older,
Brighter perhaps but all the more tender
Haunted by a vision a vision of discontent and pain
Through eyes that see you suffer, suffer in vain

where do we go from here?

where do we go from here?

depends on where you want to take me.

i look for you sometimes, just over my shoulder…across the room and i know you’re not there. but you will be soon…and part of me can’t wait. another part of me wishes it to be an impossibility…forever.

why?

i love it. i love what we have…b/c it’s what i know. i love the distance. i loved missing you. and it’s comforting to think this is all it can ever be.

the future terrifies me. but does it even matter? what value does it have to you?

i’ll never know.

but when i recall watching you watching me…i think of how much we shared. i think of the laughs…i think of how i’d tilt my head back, catch your eye…share a smile…giggle…hug…wonder. being with you always made me feel like someone else…somebody more like MYSELF…and i’m still in awe of the realism you displayed…how “chill” you were…how moody you claimed you were…how much you wanted to protect me…and how much you often didn’t care.

and where’s it leave us?

same place as always…going the wrong way on a one way highway…which was always a fault of my own.

i guess it’s scary. it’s scary to realize something you only dreamt of is going somewhere…something you cared for is resting in your palm…something you desired was gifted to you.

i guess i felt like it came so easy. and often times, i was in awe of how “meant to be” it felt…and yet how the novelty never seemed to wear off. i’d miss you.

i love how you know me…i love how much history we share…i love how you’re the boy i’d sit in awe of…at the computer lab…a freshman staring at a senior…who was on his way somewhere. and yet, you’ll never believe in yourself…to the point that i’ve started doubting you TOO.

i never thought i’d say it…but everything i wanted you to be was the opposite of what i fell for when you showed me who you are. i wanted this to end well. i wanted this to be something. i can’t believe i’m saying this again. months pass, weeks pass…days pass…and i only get older…never wiser. and i hate to admit it but i don’t miss you. i feel like we share unfinished business…and so i wonder. but i guess i am over you…in a big way. and yet, our story hasn’t even OFFICIALLY begun. it’s scary how life is…how you consumed me for so long…how elated i was…and how insentient i’ve become.

so emotional.

So, there’s this guy. The only guy really. years and years and counting…he’s around. Still around. Stupid me. Not like there haven’t been other guys in between. But truly, he’s always been the only one that mattered. And here we are, years later, an “old habit” some might say. Whatever you call it. He’s here. Is he here to stay? I’d love to know.

So, what is he exactly? An addiction. Yeah, a habit. And why is it that I give people amazing advice? Fine, I am even well known for my romantic advice. Yet when it comes to myself, I still fall into the same trap over and over.

So, who is he exactly? Just a boy. Someone I fell for long, long ago. He fell for me. Then he stopped himself. Then he wisened up and realized I may strangle him in his sleep. My Mother (God bless her!) says he’s afraid he’ll fall for me. Or he was. Who knows? Does it really matter? Of course.

So, aside from the occasional lunch time encounter, we really don’t share much. Oh, except for the daily conversations. The phone calls. The naughty texts. The exchange of information. The legal counsel. The friendship advice. That’s all. Nothing really.

Not.

So, why aren’t we together? I’m just a “friend”…ha! A friend. Cuz you act that way with all of your friends, don’t you? Dumbf*ck. So, even I fall for those innocent eyes and that magnetic touch, from time to time. Well, more often than I’d care to admit.

I can’t say I haven’t tried. I’ve tried to get over him. I’ve tried to fall into the arms of others. But when I’ve grown unsatisfied by their lack of intellect, their failure to follow up, their inability to keep up and most of all, their inability to fool me into feeling confident and comfortable…I’ve dropped them. At times, they’ve dropped me. But more than anything, I’ve dumped them. If not officially, emotionally.

That’s really because I have one person I save my emotions for. Everyone else? They get pieces of me. They get bits of me. They get humor. They share time. They get conversation. They are even recipients of that smile that lights up the room. But they don’t get much of my heart. A heart, a broken heart…

They say there’s more room in a broken heart. Well, sure. But does a broken heart have the ability to love…”wholeheartedly”…I think not. Just bits and pieces, here and there. Affection, attention. It’s really all I’m capable of.

But…why complain? So, no one on earth has the power to crush me again. No one on earth has the power to send me sailing to the moon…EVER AGAIN. I’ve been there…and now I’m back. And if he is my be all and end all of emotion…well, at least in terms of the extremes, then so be it.

He is it. He’s done. At least at times like this he is. It’s just so amazing…how sometimes he can still strike a chord with me. It’s amazing how he can affect me.

I wish he’d disappear…and go far far away. Leave me be. Leave me alone. But if I knew he was out living completely, without me…I’d still break down, just a little bit. At least on the inside.

So the man who wins me over someday…hasn’t happened yet. Some say it’s because I’m picky. Others say it’s because I don’t give of myself so completely…but the truth is…I haven’t found someone worthy. The man to sail in and gain the best of me (well, the “best” on paper…not so in “reality”)…that man, he’ll surely get lucky…but he’ll never have all of me.

They say a woman falls in love an average of six times throughout her life. I’ve had my two. I’m on the second. Once at 16…another at 19. And at 27…I’m still here. Where you left me asshole. Alone in my bed. Unclothed. Covered in your MESS.

So…what will happen to me? Where will I end up? No one knows. Who will be the lucky man to win me over?I don’t know. I’ll get emotional, I’ll be ecstatic. But it’ll be temporary. The only one to live within me…all this time…it’s him. And so, I still get emotional baby.

I still suffer over things you’ve long forgotten. I live the pain each time I recall the name of some girl who’s come in and out of your life. I still relive the terror of thinking you’ll be with “her”…and though she is a dead part of your past, my pain remains. It remains…

i did learn something.

as for not learning anything from the experience with him, well…hmm…i’d like to think i learned not to judge people based on their facades…like u can look like a million bucks, but really be the scum of the earth on the inside. i also realized, some people dont change. they are not malleable. like, not all people are seeking personality evolutions… furthermore, i learned that a guy who is a jerk to the world, will sooner or later, be a jerk to you. i also learned that i don’t need a pretentious bastard with a stick up his butt…that i’d rather be happy and satisfied and loved and cared for by someone a bit more humble…and a lil less rude. i also learned that there are some people out there, u just can’t shake. they may acknowledge kindness, care, and/or concern…but they will not accept it. and people like that, they are not our close friends…they maybe our diplomatic social allies…but that’s the closest they’ll ever come. b/c it’s people like you and me who are meant to share our souls, pains, and stuff others would label TMI. everyone needs someone like us…HE found me…but he rejected me too…he’ll always need me (or someone like me)…but he’ll never have it…HIS LOSS, but more importantly, HIS choice. ::shrug::

“hey”

OH YA…it’s significant to me. It shows that he cared to message. It’s a cruel world we live in. Often, we don’t do anything wrong…we do everything right (and then some) and they fail to acknowledge, reply, or independently search for us. You know how it is. I was really pleased to see his “hey”…uninteresting as it is…it meant something to me.

::sigh::

meredith v. carrie

so, meredith v. carrie…was thinking about this last nite…like i love carrie and relate to her so much so so so so so much…even when she cheated with big…i had so much like sympathy for her ya know?! altho mad at her…still related, very real feelings…very true feelings…very common connection…but with meredith, pretty annoyed. i dunno. like you said, she is not a good person and yet has THREE great guys in love with her? (george, vet, derreck) PUHLEASE!

addison, definitely respected her last season…learned to, even if she DID cheat on mcdreamy. but felt more sympathetic after seeing as she cheated b/c he was not emotionally THERE for her. she did it to get his attention…plus his friend was so the type to hit on his best friend’s wife…c’mon!!

anyway, miranda bailey, do like her more now than before…kinda like a monster i grew to like.

christina, still not feeling her and still think burke is too good for her. just dont know. what’s he see in her? i dont get it.

mcdreamy…just being a guy. wants to have his cake and eat it too. not cool. if he wanted to divorce addison, he should have. she served him with the papers (not allowed by the way, lol) but like he chose not to sign…b/c he wanted to give his marriage a chance. very respectable action…

BUT now that he tells meredith “it’s your choice” wtf?! not cool. it’s YOUR choice asshole. you ditched your wife and moved across the country and screwed your intern w/o telling her u were married. and now your intern makes the decision for you? was it not obvious that meredith was painfully in love with him? george even said “she pines for you” and mcdreamy goes “she pines for me?!” like w/ a gleam in his eye…happy upon realizing meredith loved him. DUH.

i don’t like what he’s doing to meredith. my mom is a hardcore meredith fan. when derreck told her he was not pleased with the way she dealt with her emotions…(random hook ups with strange men) and she said “i choose to heal the way i want to…blah blah blah” my mom thought derreck was such a jerk for that. but then again, i dunno. they’re both jerks.

on SATC, Big was a jerk for ditching carrie and marrying someone w/o really being compatible with her. he tried to make it work…b/c Natasha had the sophisticated appearance of a girl who was all put together and so perfect for him…on the surface. but carrie was truly THE ONE. in this case, addison is better for derreck than meredith is…so it’s quite hard for me to root for her…even if she IS the heroine.