….As Janis Joplin said…freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose. I write this now because I’m free. I write this now because you have freed me from the necessity of walking on egg shells when it comes to you and my relationship with you. I write this now because I can finally express myself without fear that you will retaliate against me. Perhaps you’ve employed mignons to report to you. Knowing that there is no one on earth who has any loyalty to you, reporting is unlikely. But if anyone does, and I certainly hope they do, I hope they’ll report to you verbatim and not with the flourishes and deletions which may reflect their inability to full grasp the intensity of my words.
So here it is….
You are a boy. A child. A mere child who changes with the seasons. Not one expression from your lips has ever ever been in line with another. Contradictions. Lies. Why?
I used to hurt for you. I used to feel sorry for you. I used to worry. When I came to terms with the fact that you’d never experienced love….not even from the ones you loved…when I full understood that concept, I felt bad. I wanted to love you like you’d never been loved. I wanted to shower you with affection and expression. I wanted to drown you in my love….
But, because you have never been loved, you cannot love. You do not know how to love. You cannot love…in all truth, you cannot love anything that is not you, yourself. You only love yourself. You selfish prick. Prick…ahh. What an appropriate adjective to describe you.
Ahh…so your fault lay in your inability to accept love. Inability, yes. For you do not know what true love is. You have never been loved and so you are incapable of loving. Your capacity for it is shallow. Your level of comprehension for it, flat.
And there it is. You are one of the most insecure people that has ever lived. Insecurity seeps through your pores. You are nearly identical to that parent which you so despise. You are a carbon copy. The vindictiveness. The insecurity. The inability to be present without being in the spotlight. The inability to interact with comfort, disguised as withdrawn snobbism. The offensive attitude. The inability to maintain relationships, even with the people you are directly related to. Ironic, huh? The one person who is inconsistent, unpredictable, with whom you share the most volatile relationship…you are most like.
How could anyone expect you to be different?
It’s no surprise to me. I should have caught on earlier. I knew I shouldn’t give you the time of day when I saw you in that god-awful shiny t-shirt and matching hat that you paid useless money for. I should have known. I should have known when all you could talk about was your UGLY (yes, it’s ugly because of its color) “coupe” and cocktails. I should have known. But I let you in. I let you tear me down. There were days I didn’t want you to have my phone number. I was afraid. Afraid you’d harass me with your annoying (yes annoying) conversation topics. I hesitated! That moment when I left you stranded in LA because I had no desire to spend time with you for fear that you had feelings for me that went deeper than I’d ever feel for you…that was the moment I should have embraced.
But it was you who told me to believe. It was you who begged me to understand. I loved you against my better judgment. I held back. But no…you promised me a fairy tale. You told me to trust you. You assured me. You said this was the real deal. And…I surrendered. Perhaps I was bored. Perhaps I was vulnerable.
Perhaps I wanted to care. Sometimes, I wonder if I ever really did.
You didn’t deserve it though. You didn’t deserve my sentiment. You didn’t deserve even a smidgen of my emotions. I poured it on you. Like lines that are rehearsed in anticipation for a big show. And, so…I delivered. You claimed I’d done too much. And I had. When I confronted my own demons in trying to discover why I had gone beyond what you deserved, I discovered I was literally trying to fool myself. Not you. But myself. I was trying to fool myself into thinking I cared more than I did. Why else would I overcompensate so extremely?
Classic overcompensation.
But have no fear. I felt it the moment I lost you. I felt it the moment your eyes caught sight of her. You called her a slut. You said she’d broken your heart. You said she was a gold-digger. But you truly deserve nothing more. And so…you gave in. How did she end things with you? I’ll never know. I do know your version of the story. But that version is, by default, false. So, I’ll never really know. And that’s alright…
I shouldn’t care. The bottom line is…everyone who feigns emotion for you ultimately expresses their emotions to another…and by this, I mean they have no loyalty to you. They are not faithful to you. Me, being loyal—beyond loyal—to most…even I was in the arms of another the night you broke my heart. But in being with you, that moment of surrender to another had not been the first.
Sometimes I still wonder why people put up with your idle chatter and your deceptive ways…then I realize, everyone loves to stop and watch a train wreck.
Don’t fret though. You wear that look well. The look of sadness…eyes wet with tears, feeling the raw sting of your fears. It will always be your turn to feel the burn. To wake up to a world that is ugly, to wonder and to worry…
You are on a crack-induced high now. And by “crack”, I mean…#######. (So what if you look like a million bucks? Even a million dollars is pretty much green and shriveled up.) At the end of the day, you are hollow. You choose to live in the world of the superficial. And so, I know you probably won’t even read this all the way through. You’ll merely use it as a bit of juice to get you through the next tough hurdle. And that’s ok. Use it. It wouldn’t be the first time that I gave you the best of me. Interestingly, you brought out the worst in me. But thankfully, you are no longer mine. My fickle friend. No longer mine. Resentment is the inheritance I bequeath to you, and you alone.
In my life…I have loved. I have lost. I have experienced ego-crushing, heart-shattering, soul-wrenching pain. I have experienced envy and fear. I have experienced appreciation and adoration. I have endured life-changing affection and calm. I have been stretched mentally. I have been dug at—-emotionally. I am chiseled, yet imperfect. I know what I am capable of at my best. I know how wretched I can be at my worst.
But you…you do not deserve the limitlessness of my emotion. You are an error of my heart. You are a glitch…in my reality. You are beneath me. These words, even at their simplest, are beyond what you can comprehend.
The pain you caused me is no longer raw. My ability to soar and conquer is ripe again. I bid you adieu. You overgrown child. You miserable, soulless creep. Good riddance. Fare.thee.well.
Leegal Deeva 