love my life.


I’ve always referred to him as “the love of my life”..easily, casually, commonly, comfortably. He had no name, but “the love of my life.” People would stop and say, “Gosh, I don’t even know who the love of *my* life is…” And in my elitist way, I’d feel a sense of self-assuredness knowing I’d identified *mine* and I could rest easy for no one else would compare. Good or bad.
BUT the honest truth is I’ve hated him everyday for the past nine years. Even our moments of elation were consistently woven with HATE. How is it possible to love someone you hate? (Even just a little.)
WELL–We’ve all heard of of “love-hate” relationships. It can be a relationship with a sibling, a parent, a boss, a romantic partner…”love-hate” relationships span every possible relation. A “love-hate” relationship occurs when people have completely lost the intimacy within a relationship, yet retain some sort of passion or commitment toward one another.
Passion, yes.
Commitment, never.
It was an evolution toward an obligatory friendship…where grudges from the past never quite disappeared. Yet in some unique way, it added depth to my character, it added dimension to my life, it expanded my capacity to feel…it stretched my soul, dug deep into my mind, and gave my heart the ability to LOVE another…
BUT, I’ve seen what “love” is now…at least what it is supposed to be. Love is pure. Love is so pure that nothing can taint it. It’s a care that goes beyond reason…beyond human understanding. It’s that level of unconditional affection/expression/emotion that you can *only* *only* *only* give someone whom you are completely selfless with.

Who loves us selflessly? Parents. Pure selflessness…putting their own desires, benefit, preferences AFTER ours. At least they are supposed to. Interesting, eh?
I’m grateful. I can see what love can do to a person now. Love makes you feel what the other person feels. It makes you cry over what pains the other person. It makes you angry when they are hurt. It takes your own desires, your own preferences, your own comfort…and it places them on the back-burner. And love, makes you do this, without a second thought. Love makes you forget what it is you wanted and makes you aware of another person’s happiness and feelings as acutely as completely as you are of your own.
How jaded…
How crazy…
How lame…
…could I have possibly been to have thought that *he* was the love of my life. Far from! More like the burden on my soul. The black cloud of gloom over my life. The pain in my heart that kept me from ever being free and happy with anyone else. Which is why, once I cut him out and cut him off…my life became an open field, open to limitless love and joy and possibilities that he would obviously prefer to suffocate.
And new love, flooded in…
Ahh…the freedom to “live” without being smothered by someone’s selfish desires, demands, and control.
This new love, lasting or not, final or temporary, absolute or partial…no one knows, for this life gives us NO guarantees. Weddings are called off, engagement rings are returned, spouses cheat, spouses DIE…but whatever this love is, it has taught me how beautiful and pure it can be. The truest and most valuable lesson I could have possibly learned…
It’s nothing. But it’s love…
And now, when I am immersed in it, I feel like someone different. Somebody more like *myself*….

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