So, there’s this guy. The only guy really. years and years and counting…he’s around. Still around. Stupid me. Not like there haven’t been other guys in between. But truly, he’s always been the only one that mattered. And here we are, years later, an “old habit” some might say. Whatever you call it. He’s here. Is he here to stay? I’d love to know.
So, what is he exactly? An addiction. Yeah, a habit. And why is it that I give people amazing advice? Fine, I am even well known for my romantic advice. Yet when it comes to myself, I still fall into the same trap over and over.
So, who is he exactly? Just a boy. Someone I fell for long, long ago. He fell for me. Then he stopped himself. Then he wisened up and realized I may strangle him in his sleep. My Mother (God bless her!) says he’s afraid he’ll fall for me. Or he was. Who knows? Does it really matter? Of course.
So, aside from the occasional lunch time encounter, we really don’t share much. Oh, except for the daily conversations. The phone calls. The naughty texts. The exchange of information. The legal counsel. The friendship advice. That’s all. Nothing really.
So, why aren’t we together? I’m just a “friend”…ha! A friend. Cuz you act that way with all of your friends, don’t you? Dumbf*ck. So, even I fall for those innocent eyes and that magnetic touch, from time to time. Well, more often than I’d care to admit.
I can’t say I haven’t tried. I’ve tried to get over him. I’ve tried to fall into the arms of others. But when I’ve grown unsatisfied by their lack of intellect, their failure to follow up, their inability to keep up and most of all, their inability to fool me into feeling confident and comfortable…I’ve dropped them. At times, they’ve dropped me. But more than anything, I’ve dumped them. If not officially, emotionally.
That’s really because I have one person I save my emotions for. Everyone else? They get pieces of me. They get bits of me. They get humor. They share time. They get conversation. They are even recipients of that smile that lights up the room. But they don’t get much of my heart. A heart, a broken heart…
They say there’s more room in a broken heart. Well, sure. But does a broken heart have the ability to love…”wholeheartedly”…I think not. Just bits and pieces, here and there. Affection, attention. It’s really all I’m capable of.
But…why complain? So, no one on earth has the power to crush me again. No one on earth has the power to send me sailing to the moon…EVER AGAIN. I’ve been there…and now I’m back. And if he is my be all and end all of emotion…well, at least in terms of the extremes, then so be it.
He is it. He’s done. At least at times like this he is. It’s just so amazing…how sometimes he can still strike a chord with me. It’s amazing how he can affect me.
I wish he’d disappear…and go far far away. Leave me be. Leave me alone. But if I knew he was out living completely, without me…I’d still break down, just a little bit. At least on the inside.
So the man who wins me over someday…hasn’t happened yet. Some say it’s because I’m picky. Others say it’s because I don’t give of myself so completely…but the truth is…I haven’t found someone worthy. The man to sail in and gain the best of me (well, the “best” on paper…not so in “reality”)…that man, he’ll surely get lucky…but he’ll never have all of me.
They say a woman falls in love an average of six times throughout her life. I’ve had my two. I’m on the second. Once at 16…another at 19. And at 27…I’m still here. Where you left me asshole. Alone in my bed. Unclothed. Covered in your MESS.
So…what will happen to me? Where will I end up? No one knows. Who will be the lucky man to win me over?I don’t know. I’ll get emotional, I’ll be ecstatic. But it’ll be temporary. The only one to live within me…all this time…it’s him. And so, I still get emotional baby.
I still suffer over things you’ve long forgotten. I live the pain each time I recall the name of some girl who’s come in and out of your life. I still relive the terror of thinking you’ll be with “her”…and though she is a dead part of your past, my pain remains. It remains…