…reflections of the way life used to be. how Diana Ross of me!
So…last night, I got in too late, I wanted to watch a movie and unwind…but somehow, I was drawn to pulling out my senior year book (from high school) and reading all the fun little notes and messages from my friends. How surreal. Nine years later, I found myself laughing at the messages I’d forgotten about…the inside jokes that no longer made sense to me, the sincerity of the words that had somehow (sadly) lost meaning…and mostly…the memories that weren’t even memories b/c I’d HONESTLY forgotten it all.
I loved how expressive people were as to their opinions about me…”you’re so cheerful…you’re so positive…you’re so funny…you’re always in the know…you’re going to be successful at whatever you do…you’re so encouraging…i love our chats…i love having convos with you in class…you’ve always been so nice to me…i love your laugh…” blah blah blah. And it’s scary to look back on me, at 17, from where I am at 27 and realize, maybe I did take their advice…maybe I did “NEVER change.”
Sadly, I lost track of so many of these people. I’m sure I can find ’em somehow, someway…and so many of them, I run into on a daily basis (in and around town) and I turn my head. Another few have found me and warmly embraced me “OMGGG…I miss you. How are you? What are you up to?” and I’ve given them the necessary update and otherwise been disinterested in their lives…etc. Sad! Why am I so over it? Why did high school seem like it was the peak of my life, and now in retrospect, seem like such a tiny little stepping stone on my way to where I wanna be…?
Not to sound so dire or morbid (above)…but I am still cheeful, encouraging, a fun chat buddy, “in the know”..and hopefully (relatively) successful…but why is it that I’ve shed those people and bestow this blessing of my personality and friendship on others instead? Haha. How conceited of me…but honest as well. Why am I suddenly “too good” for these people who contributed to my positivity, my innocence, my obsessions…and my basic character development…way back when…?
I wish I knew. I wish I knew just when it was that I chose to cut off all of them and become the me I am today. Interestingly, I know myself and appreciate my traits of positivity, encouragement, determination at this phase of my life…yet it’s a bit reassuring to realize I possessed those traits back then as well…I simply didn’t notice or embrace them as my signature traits. Wow.
Anyway, reflections of the way life used to be…it wasn’t so bad. It’s funny, how in hindsight, you often think “I’ve come so far…I’ve changed so much…I’m so much happier now…”
I feel all those things…but maybe only the last statement is true. I wouldn’t trade who and where I am in the world with anything in my past…but I’m proud to still be that same person I was when I was 17…innocence and naivite in place. Solid as to the cheer and passion for life and friendship…and still on to effortlessly achieving milestone after milestone (as my teachers stated)…………..