It all still feels like a dream and the hardest part for me, aside from seeing her family say goodbye to her, is the thought of never being able to call her again. Picking up my cell phone, dialing the numbers but not hearing her voice. Never walking into Starbucks some night, after the gym, to see her laughing with my Mom…walking to the bar together and thinking…”tea or coffee? you? what are you having? should we eat something? nah, too many calories”…etc etc etc. Then, there’s the way we’d share stuff with each other. How she’d get a gleam in her eye if I told her something juicy about myself. How she’d never judge me b/c I’m sure she’d been there too. The way we’d laugh when my Mom would tell a joke and how she’d cover her mouth and go “Amaaaa!”…The way we’d wave to each other cheerfully, every time she’d drive past my house. The way I’d catch a glimpse of her in my rearview mirror and vice versa and see her bright smile and her enthusiastic wave. The way she’d call me and say “Hiiiiii, ****-n eh”…in her captivating voice. How she’d recite poetry in Armenian. The way she’d say “Lav es?” and move her chin up, and wink, to show me she really wanted to know…especially when she felt I was up to something. That’ll never ever happen again.
As for immortality…I believe that my soul and hers will some day be reunited and we’ll go to Starbucks in heaven and we’ll still laugh and sing. Except, when we go…they’ll never close and we’ll never have to worry about finding a seat…we’ll never have to say goodbye b/c it’ll NEVER end.
I’m not afraid of death. I’m not afraid of ending this life and starting the other. I only feel deeply for the people we leave behind…grieving is for the living. And right now, my grief is mine. She is in heaven. She’s where she’s always wanted to go. Sure she’s missing out on some of the earthly pleasures that she probably looked forward to all her life…but the happiness and joy she’s experiencing is far beyond any joy or peace that I can ever comprehend.
Until I see her again…I’ll miss her.