“Your brain intrigues me,” he said…
“It intrigues me too,” she replied, instinctively. All the while, she thought, “A two hour cop out. Two hours of convo and it was all one big cop out…”
Sometimes the resolutions you desire cannot be achieved in harmony with another. Most of the time, it’s something you have to attempt—solo. It’s like, you can start a duet…but if there’s only one pair of hands striking the notes on that piano, the harmony will fall flat upon the listener’s ears…
As we know, chit chat never lasts forever…and thus, he couldn’t bite his lip any longer, “So, let’s talk about the inevitable…”
“Or let’s not,” she blurted out.
Not a moment was lost and he changed the subject. More small talk and he struck a chord. She made note of the ‘awkwardness’ and he reacted humorously… and there it was, another common topic…how naturally the topics flowed. A little bit of history, a little bit of inside significance, a little bit of ‘only you would know what I’m talking about’ and the moments passed.
Finally he said, “I better let you get to bed.”
“I am in bed,” she responded. Within a second, she added, “If you want to go, go…but you don’t have to let me go anywhere.”
“Damn, take it easy,” he said and without skipping a beat, he followed, “I missed talking to you.”
And there it was, she could say, “Me too,” she could say, “I don’t believe you,” (simply for reassurance purposes, of course) but the simplest, rhetorical answer lay in, “Oh ya?” And as rhetorical questions go, no response was required.
She immediately switched into self-analysis mode and apologized for not being herself tonight. He quickly responded, “I haven’t noticed a difference. I never find sides to you. You are always ‘you’ to me. Whether you are angry, upset, happy, or sad…you’re still ‘you’.”
Leaving no room to feel defensive, she added, “My goal in life is to be multi-faceted.”
He turned to her to say, “You will accomplish many goals in your life…I know that.”
He sensed she was being ‘cautious’ and he assured her that there was no reason to be as there were no eggshells to worry about. “If you have something to say, say it. I have no problems,” he said.
Inside, she disagreed. Outside, she wanted to understand…”How can you miss someone when you’re the one who walks away?”
“Missing someone has nothing to do with the circumstance,” he replied.
“Of course it does when you’re the one who’s in control,” she retorted.
“A human being can still feel this emotion, regardless of who is in control,” he argued.
“I disagree,” she said.
He thought for a second and said, “Yes, intentional conduct has created this separation.”
“Intentional conduct, precisely,” she replied.
“That intentional conduct has consequences,” he admitted.
“Obviously it doesn’t for you,” she thought to herself.
“Of those, among others, one is the sense of ‘missing’,” he went on.
It fell on deaf ears as she argued, “You left on your own conditions, yet even tonight, it was I who made the effort to speak to you.”
“Ohhh…you don’t know how many times I have written to you…you will NEVER know!”
“Had you done so, you would have received a heartfelt response—no risks involved. After all, when have I ever, ever treated you the way you DESERVE to be treated? Tell me.”
It wasn’t that she disputed that he’d missed her. No, she didn’t. Of course he’d missed her. She understood that he had to detach for a while. She respected that. What was it? Did she wish she’d had a warning? He knew how she was—her weaknesses, her vulnerabilities. He knew how this would make her feel.
“You had no regard for my emotions,” she said after a long silence.
And immediately, he replied, “You had no regard for mine.”
“Did I anger you? Did I hurt you? Did I disappoint you?” she asked.
“It depends on what point in time you’re talking about,” he answered.
“You disrespected me,” he added, “I felt battered by the end. I always respect your insights and your intelligence—and I’m so very thankful every time you assist me thru your wonderful talents. But a few of your chords just didn’t go with my song.”
“Aaah, you just made me laugh,” she said, feeling that her reaction was a bit out of place.
“Nice to know we still got it…” he responded, “Nice to know we still got it.”
“That’s the problem,” she said, “We’re never gonna lose it!”
She continued, “And this is the precise inspiration for all the horrible things I told you. How could I ever live with myself if I let this type of relationship go, without putting up a fight?”
He stopped to think for a moment or two. “The part you said about how love is supposed to be effortless…and light hearted…I loved that part.”
“Love,” she began, “it’s an intangible connection. Effortless relations. It’s silly. It’s…” she paused, “unconditional. ‘Come as you are…’”
“Come as you are,” he said, reflecting on the simplicity of the phrase, “They should replace the word ‘love’ with that exact term.” “It’s just so meaningful,” he went on, “especially since it’s coming from one of the few people whom I admire…immensely.”
A couple moments of silence passed and he said, “You are the most complex, yet so incredibly simple person I have ever met.” She didn’t want to respond. “You always know how to put the meaning to the song which provides the metaphor to our life together,” he added.
“I didn’t have faith that we would speak again,” she blurted out…out of the blue.
“I felt disrespected,” he repeated.
“And I was hurt,” she replied.
“What’s worse?” she went on to ask.
“There is no worse.”
“There is, of course there is…it’s a different quality of emotion. Disrespect is mental, hurt is emotional…”
“Hurt goes to the state of your being,” he replied, “Hurt is worse.”
“Emotions always trump thoughts,” she stated matter of factly.
“I agree with you,” he said.
She thanked him.
“You coulda fought it,” she blurted out, “You ran away…and that’s why we’re here right now. In fact, I wish you’d told me, ‘Sorry you feel that way, but I love her and this is how it’s going to be…’ Did you think I wouldn’t respect that?”
“I couldn’t say that!” he replied.
“Why not?” she begged.
“For reasons expressed…”
“By, me?” she asked.
“Yes, for reasons expressed…by you.”
“Forgive me,” he added, “I don’t have the notes to your masterpiece tonight.”
“We’ll go acapella tonight,” she said.
“Improv…” he corrected her.
“Ahhh, that’s the word I was looking for,” she admitted.
“We reversed roles, only for a moment,” he replied.
“Don’t underestimate yourself,” she said.
“I don’t,” he responded, “I’m just more in touch with reality.”
An uncomfortable silence prevailed, “Well, don’t think I didn’t miss your presence in my life,” she felt led to say.
“Did you truly feel my absence?” he asked, obviously seeking further reassurance.
“Hmm…you fulfill a role in my life that only you can fill,” she said, ambiguously, mockingly, predictably.
“That’s a beautiful thing to say…yet it’s slightly demented.”
“All I want is a resolution,” she said…”I didn’t wait all this time to feel out our relationship…neither did you…it is what it is—-eternal, perpetual, unchanging.”
“No answer I give you tonight will lead you to a satisfactory state of understanding,” he said, “in fact, you’re opening a duet with just one pair of hands,” he continued.
“I know I can’t force you to speak to me right now…but either way, it’s worth the ‘lost sleep’…at least to me it is,” she replied.
“Ahhh, your brain intrigues me…it simply intrigues me…”
“It intrigues me too…” she said, “it intrigues me too…”