Honey…I heard this song that’s so perfect for the way you’re feeling…”Please don’t let this feeling end…it’s everything I am…everything I want to be…reaching out to touch you, I can feel so much…please don’t let this feeling end…it might not come again…and I want to remember how it feels to touch you…how I feel so much since I’ve found you…” 😦
FIRST THINGS FIRST–I don’t resent men…I ACTUALLY LOVE MEN…but that has a lot to do with my desire to always “feel” (good or bad…I want to “feel”)…
Babe…feeling the way you feel is normal. I wish I felt that way about ***. In fact, I bet *** wishes I felt that way about ***! But really…it’s a rare sensation…and it’s one I can’t voluntarily re-create. LISTEN…we DO expect far far faaaaaaaaaaar too much! BUT we also give SO MUCH.
I’ve been thinking about this rollercoaster of emotions A LOT over the past 8-9 months…and I’ve learned that I’d rather live a life of pain than to live a life without any feeling at all.
Years of pain, trauma, love, passion, drama, emotion, sharing, tears, smiles, giggles, missing, craving, wondering, worrying, stressing, obsessing, searching, finding, anticipating, meeting, enduring, avoiding, ignoring, manipulating, caring, imagining, dreaming, living, desiring, behaving, misbehaving, waiting, making, breaking, losing, gaining, growing, adding, living, dying, wishing, wanting, acting, remembering, re-living…
There’s a rare beauty in embracing EVERY emotion…the light, the dark, the bright, the gloomy…wanting it and letting it go all at once…craving it and holding back altogether…wishing it and providing it passionately yet guiltily. Sometimes you step back and think…I want it when he does…he wants it when I don’t…he asks me when I’m far…he makes me crave it…all at his mercy…all at HIS mercy…to reach that pinnacle…where he’s at mine.
How do they do it? How do WE do it? Want it? Fight it? Get it? Give it? Leave it? Live it? Forget it? Re-learn it?
Sometimes, with certain people, I find that we face ‘old wounds’ and just hold each other there…other times we bring them up…only to cover them up moments later…hardly voluntarily…often impulsively…sometimes adoringly, mostly annoyingly…
So why do I love men? It was a MAN who taught me to embrace my emotions…He, alone, gifted me the power to transcend fear…anger…and hurt…(which can often be seductive)…and when I find myself in close contact with “his” spiritual being…the desires of my spirit irresistibly explode outside of my spirit.
This can obviously lead us all into feeling sad, angry, confused, ashamed, weary, depressed, and troubled for reasons beyond reason…yet the discomfort wanes…and the cyclical pattern of the highs and lows reminds us that all these emotions are a mirror of ourselves…and for “us”…self-awareness IS the ideal…”evolution of self” IS the ultimate climax.
I honestly think we intentionally dive into these darker emotions…and we quickly condemn ourselves in shame and guilt as we fantasize about these sorts of things…yet it is these very emotions that stimulate excitement, anger, fear, AND sexuality in a strangely “safe” and contained way.
Sweetie…I’ve accepted that to avoid this would be like denying myself a great gift. It’s like we feel “alive” when we engage ourselves with these dark emotions…and this fantasy world in which we find ourselves makes OUR lives SO MUCH richer.
So, even when we feel like we are most centered, focused, and in control…these challenging emotions STILL arise…and it is then that we eagerly anticipate the FLOW of COMFORTABLE feelings which will DOUBTLESSLY arrive…so–HAVE FAITH!! (b/c the darkest hour is just before dawn)
And honestly…after all this time, he and I should be the OLDEST cliche in the book! and as much as time has simply left us “older”…it’s also made us wiser…but what’s it matter??…I love him just the same!! This is because I know we’ll ALWAYS be searching for “ourselves” together (in that, there is no right or wrong)…we’ll ALWAYS be there to shelter one another “from the rain”…(from the pain)….and even though there is SO much to say…we NEVER ever really have to explain it!…’cuz if you think about it…love never dies…we just push it to the side sometimes.
It’s a choice you make, Hun…with accute and COMPLETE awareness. You NEED to take the risk of fear and pain, loss, anger, and frustration…you NEED to take your whole spirit and have that spiritual experience…to once again, endure that emotion. To avoid these shades of our emotions would be like denying ourselves “the ride of our lives.” Think about this…you’ll see what I mean…believe me!!!!!