I guess I have this super delayed reaction going on. I’m hurt and angry. We’ve had the conversation where I told you that I feel like, for me, you don’t have to be a “guy.” You don’t have to be charming, sweet, understanding, none of that. However, being so bluntly honest, yet so graciously accepting of the circumstances, is getting to be more and more difficult for me.
I realized that when I look at things YOUR WAY, they always make perfect sense. You are perfectly reasonable. You are ALWAYS sensible. No matter how unfair the situation may seem, or the actions unkind, looking at it from your perspective JUSTIFIES everyfacet of it.
It always comes down to: “Gosh, I can’t believe he just said/did that!”
Followed by, “Well, he said/did it b/c…”
Then, “Of course he is right b/c…”
Finally, “I have no right to be upset.”
I can reason it out just as well as you…and I’ve learned to! When it comes to 90% of my experiences in life, viewing it all through YOUR spectacles helps to sort it all out into right or wrong, black or white…and that’s it, it’s done.
But what about the 10% of life that is rooted in feeling? Emotions? Subjectivity? Passion? What do we do with all of that? Have you ever tried to see things “my way” and said, “Well, I guess she does have a point, and I’ll respect that”? As opposed to, “Well, I guess she does have a point, but I’m still objectively right.”
Most of my experiences with you leave me feeling misunderstood and/or simply unreasonable. You must admit, no matter how we analyze a situation, at the end of the day, the analysis always balances in YOUR favor and we close the book on the event and/or feeling, and we walk away. Yet when are we ever going to strike a balance? Perhaps when we do, that’ll be when we no longer need one another.
Still, it makes me utterly sad to think that you could refer to spending time with me as a “pity hang out.” It leads me to wonder if you’ve EVER had a good time with me. It makes me absolutely angry to think that you could say, “You love me even though I don’t return your phone calls?” and still hear me justify myself for it. Have you ever wondered how I feel at 4 a.m. in the morning when I’m trying to explain to you: “Well, I go through temporary periods of being pissed at you, but then I remember that I reallydo care and I can’t base my feelings on just a temporary feeling…etc.” It kind of sucks to think that someone who hardly cares for me can say, “Jeez, you’re such a pleasant person. There’s no one else I’d rather be kicking it with right now, sharing this time…” Yet, you describe me as the type of person who can’t “just be there without being there.” When you say these things, or view me from that perspective, it makes me feel like,AGAIN, it’s my internal flaw, and MY problem that separates and makes us absolutely incompatible. I always thank you for the way you’ve molded me and my way of thinking. However, I can’t help but wonder, am I failing to see the harm that you have caused as well?
How come I bounce back? Attitude free…cheerful as ever? It’s so tiring. So emotionally tiring to the point where I’ve forgotten why I started this whole “be the better person” lifestyle in the first place. I’m afraid to admit that when it comes to you, it may very well be because I am just scared of losing you. It hurts me to think that the very person I care for, admire, and desire to be like, is so rooted in his method of thinking that he consistently fails at seeing things from my viewpoint. It would be easy to just expect nothing of you and be satisfied with whatever it is you give. Yet then I’d continue to be that occasional clown, that occasional “shoulder,” the occasional sounding board, the reminder, and the “girl,” while you could get away with responding when it’sconvenient, seeking me out when it’s inevitable, showing concern when I literally have to beg it of you…
How do we emerge from this without throwing our hands into the air and chalking it up to another, so-called, “lost cause”? You could probably lead a perfectly satisfying life without me in it. I feel this way because it seems absolutely impossible for you to articulate your reasons for keeping me around. Bottom line, I just don’t know whether this is true or not.
Once again, here it is…this is how I feel. It’s your prerogative (as always) to respond or not to respond. You have to realize, it’s not about the individual experiences with you, rather the cumulative experience that causes me to hurt most of the time. SURE, you don’t need this right now. SURE, you’ll most likely opt not to deal with this. SURE, I’ll have a smile on my face the next time I see you even though there’s really a frown in my heart. But I’m not so sure that you’ll ever, ever understand….